10 Things I Never Thought I’d Say as a Parent


Parenthood is a funny old world. Having kids is the most wonderful experience you can imagine. I’ve never felt love as much as I do when I look at my two boys. I’ve also never wanted to poke myself in the eye as much as I do at around 7pm each night, while I’m wrangling with two naked bedtime ninjas, who refuse to get into their pyjamas.

It’s a roller coaster ride that will take you on journeys you never thought you’d have and leads you to say things you never thought you’d have to verbalise.

Here are the top 10 things I never thought I’d hear myself say as a parent:

1. Don’t wee on your brother.
2. No, mummy doesn’t have a willy.
3. Please take your bare bottom out of my face.
4. Why are your pants on the cat?
5. You can’t go outside naked in just your wellies.
6. Stop sniffing your brother’s bottom.
7. You can’t eat that chocolate because the cat wee’d on it. (Note: this excuse works well for everything. As long as you’re under three years old).
8. I promise you, milk doesn’t actually come from a cow’s bottom.
9. Hold it in, you can’t poo in the bath.
10. I’ll karate-chop you once more, then it really is time for bed.
Tell me I’m not alone! What’s the strangest thing you’ve found yourself saying?!

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