A Guide to the Selective Hearing of a Preschooler

Selective HearingMy poor {almost} four-year-old son seems to have been cursed with selective hearing. I blame his father, as he has the same affliction, so clearly it must be genetic. I mean, I’m sure it’s not that he actively chooses to ignore me, no, no, no. Although he does respond immediately to the words ‘cake’ and ‘chocolate’, so fret not dear reader, all is not lost.

There have recently been developments in his ‘condition’ – he doesn’t completely ignore my requests to tidy his toys or stop hitting his brother, but it appears they get lost in translation and my poor little boy apparently hears something quite different to what I’m actually asking him to do.

So for those of you experiencing the same condition {and if you’re not yet, it will come}, then here is my guide to the selective hearing of a pre-schooler {I think most of this is applicable to husbands too}:

What I say: “Can you please get your shoes and coat on?”
What he hears: “Hey, why don’t you take all your clothes off and roll naked all over the floor?”

What I say: “Can you please put your toys back in the box?”
What he hears: “Put them back in the box then tip the box over your head. Box, head, floor, repeat.”

What I say: “Stop pushing your brother!”
What he hears:
“Stop for a second and when my back is turned, give him one last shove for good measure.”

What I say: “Don’t go near the pond!”
What he hears: “Go on, go right to the edge, hell, even stick a toe in and let’s see what happens…”

What I say: “Come on darling, time to get dressed…”
What he hears: “Why don’t you stick your pants on your head, put your socks on your hands and pretend to be a pony?”

What I say: “Time for bed!”
What he hears: “Bed? Pah, sleep is for wimps! Let’s procrastinate for another hour, argue over your requests for ice cream and wake your baby brother on our way up the stairs. Oh, and don’t forget to keep jumping in and out of bed with ridiculous requests for a good 45 minutes once I’ve finally tucked you in. Are you ready? Let’s go!”

Tell me I’m not alone – do you have a child suffering from selective-hearing like mine?!

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